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Does keeping the peace actually work?

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I saw this photo the other day on Facebook, and the message hit me like a brick. If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, then you start a war inside yourself. YES. Oh my god, that is so true for me. I wanted to see if others resonated with this particular message as much as I do, so I reposted it. A few people commented (but not as many as I would have expected, given how provoking it was for me). Someone responded, "And you often CREATE conflict in your other relationships where there wasn't any." Bam, so friggin' true. So let's unpack this a little bit. We'll start with the level of FAMILY . When you grew up, what did you learn about conflict? Was it okay? How did people disagree? What happened when YOU had a different opinion from everyone else or something to say that wasn't "pleasant?" What are your expectations and norms for how people SHOULD treat conflict? What did you learn about your own needs and how much they mattered in ...

Which comes first, trust or vulnerability?

I work in a corporate environment, beige cubicle and all, but I don't have a typical job and I certainly don't have a typical boss. My boss, Jenny, is an incredibly talented coach, organizational development consultant and facilitator and, it turns out, one of my most dear friends. Jenny has this way of saying things that shift everyone's thinking in the room. When she offers an insight, sometimes you can hear an intake of breath as someone confronts a long-held belief as someone else says, "Wow, I never thought of it that way." She has expanded my worldview more times than I can count, and for that, among other things, I am eternally grateful. Her incisiveness cuts through any static in the conversation to get right to the heart of the issue. Anyway, the two of us were facilitating a session on team effectiveness principles for coaches last month, and we were talking about the importance of trust on a team, one of my favorite subjects. And Jenny asks the foll...

Why Emotional Sage?

WHY Why is one of my favorite words in the entire English language. It establishes the backstory, the context. It identifies motivation, which for me builds trust and safety. It reduces assumptions. It fills in the story so your brain doesn't have to make it up. When I tell you why I'm doing what I'm doing, you don't have to guess. You've probably seen the Simon Sinek TED talk "How Great Leaders Inspire Action" yes? If not, I urge you to watch it, pronto. In it, he eloquently explains that communication falls flat when you start with the WHAT or even the HOW . The most compelling and effective communication begins by explaining WHY it matters that you're even having the conversation, let alone WHY someone should take action. He cites a classic example, Dr. Martin Luther King, who's WHY is his dream of equality and justice. Notably, he does not begin his famous speech with, "I have a plan." He articulates his ultimate purpose ...

Beginning

Welcome to my new blog. This isn't the first time I've written a blog--I wrote pretty consistently when I was going through a rough patch about seven years ago. Writing was therapeutic for me. When I wrote, I felt connected to myself and to the universe. I felt like God came through me. I wrote about my experience going through cancer treatment (you can find my previous posts here ) and what I was learning along the way. The thing is, writing for me was the activity that crystallized those juicy nuggets of learning and discovery that life has a tendency to deliver if you pay attention. Typically, we move so fast that it's a challenge just to pay attention. Busy is a badge of honor, and I am no exception. "How are you?" people ask, and I say, "You know, BUSY, how about you?" I pay most attention when I have time and space for thoughtful reflection. When I give myself the gift of solitude. When I let the words flow through my fingertips onto t...