Why Emotional Sage?

WHY

Why is one of my favorite words in the entire English language. It establishes the backstory, the context. It identifies motivation, which for me builds trust and safety. It reduces assumptions. It fills in the story so your brain doesn't have to make it up. When I tell you why I'm doing what I'm doing, you don't have to guess.

You've probably seen the Simon Sinek TED talk "How Great Leaders Inspire Action" yes? If not, I urge you to watch it, pronto. In it, he eloquently explains that communication falls flat when you start with the WHAT or even the HOW. The most compelling and effective communication begins by explaining WHY it matters that you're even having the conversation, let alone WHY someone should take action. He cites a classic example, Dr. Martin Luther King, who's WHY is his dream of equality and justice. Notably, he does not begin his famous speech with, "I have a plan." He articulates his ultimate purpose and why it matters. It's galvanizing.

WHY enrolls people. It builds bridges and connections. It allows us to reveal our ourselves by communicating our deepest values. It says, "this is what I believe. If you believe this too, I invite you to join me."

So in this post, my intention is to start sharing with you my WHY so you get to know me and understand where I'm coming from, what I value and why it is important to me. I also hope that what I explore here connects deeply with what matters to you. I invite you to join me on this journey of exploration and discovery. Of diving into the depths of why. Of uncovering truths. Of practicing deep listening and understanding, both the seen and the unseen. Of seeking.

EMOTIONAL

Ooh, I love this word. Emotional. Just say it out loud and let it roll off your tongue. Emotional. Or in modern parlance, "Emo." Imagine it as a jacket that you can try on as a descriptor of yourself. Put on the jacket by saying to yourself, "I am emotional." Now explore the impact of the word. How does it feel? How does the description fit? Do you like it? What does it conjure up for you? Do you notice any resistance or discomfort? Does it bring up any stories from your past?

For many people this can be a bit of a trigger word. It tends to be either revered or reviled, but either way may bring up strong feelings.

This is a defining word in my life, hence the reason I'm writing a blog about it. Here are just a few snippets of what it brings up for me:

I am emotional...

-It feels exciting and scary, like we're going on a roller coaster ride
-I feel vulnerable, like wearing my heart on my sleeve
-It feels like rejection, the sting of too many searing comments from parents and other important people in my life (you're so emotional, you're too sensitive)
-It reminds me of fighting with my husband, where he gets particularly linear and logical, and I become an emotional basket case
-It feels decidedly and lopsidedly female, bringing up generations-old gender issues, as if emotions are just for girls. As if it were even possible to "take emotion out of it," as I've been told more times than I can count
-It feels juicy, like the world would dry up without them
-I feel unhinged, like if I'm emotional, then I must be weak, unfocused, or less intelligent, like I can't get my shit together
-I feel less than, ashamed, like hiding
-I feel defensive, like I want to explain why it's okay to be emotional (as if it weren't okay, as if I were going to be burned at the stake or thrown back into the kitchen and told girls don't have a seat at the table, they can't handle it, they're too emotional)
-I feel angry that this word is in any way divisive
-It feels a little elicit, like I'm not supposed to let anyone know that I have emotions
-I feel exposed, like people might find out
-It feels like a prison, like this is just how I am, whether I like it or not, and there's nothing I can do about it
-I feel overwhelmed and humbled, like at any moment I could get so flooded with strong emotions that I might drown
-Sometimes I feel confused, like What. The. Heck. Is. Going. On. Right. Now. Why do I feel THIS?
-I feel empathetic, like I want to know more about people. Emotions to me are the key to understanding what makes people tick, why they do what they do, how to relate to them better
-I feel ready to learn more so I can be more effective. So I can be a better parent, wife, sister, daughter, facilitator, coach, leader, citizen
-I feel inspired, remembering a spectacular sunset and realizing that without emotions, we would not feel, we would not know love or joy, we would not be able to deeply care about another person
-I start smiling and singing twenty one pilots... "The Few, the Proud, the Emotional" from Fairly Local
-I feel righteous, like YES, of COURSE I'm emotional, as all human beings are, goddammit. Emotions are universal.
-It feels like truth, like emotions are among the few things we can always count on. Death, taxes and feelings
-I feel curious. What emotion am I feeling right now? What am I noticing? What sensations do I observe?
-I feel a sense of unity with the human race. I feel connected to the past, present and future. I feel the universality of the human experience. Think about it. Without emotions, there would be no war, no funerals, no misunderstandings. No aid workers rescuing victims of natural disasters, no amusement parks, no holidays. Food would be just that. There would be no art or acting or music. No celebrating a Buckeye win. Emotions unite us in collective experiences, for better or worse. They drive us to action. They move us. They explain, well, everything.

I could go on, but I will spare you.

So yeah, this word means a lot to me. I find emotions endlessly fascinating, and I look forward to exploring the topic with you.

SAGE

What comes to mind when you hear the word "sage?"

I think of an old white man, someone with profound wisdom. I also think of browned butter with sage (the silvery aromatic herb), but I digress.

Turns out the definition, according to Websters dictionary, is:

sage adjective
\ˈsāj \
sager; sagest
Definition of sage
1a : wise through reflection and experience
b archaic : GRAVE, SOLEMN
2 : proceeding from or characterized by wisdom, prudence, and good judgment
sage advice

sage noun (1)
Definition of sage
1 : one (such as a profound philosopher) distinguished for wisdom
2 : a mature or venerable man of sound judgment

Part of me wanted to avoid the word because it suggests that I think of myself as a sage and that my grand ego wants you to know how wise I am. But my ego has a hard time with "blowing my own horn," so to speak. If anything, my go-to methods for distinguishing myself are through humility and self-diminishment, but it turns out that inferiority is no less egotistical than superiority. Both reflect a protective strategy of comparison that avoids or exaggerates the truth.

So for me, this is actually progress to acknowledge that I have wisdom to share. Quite a lot, actually.

I have spent my entire life studying emotions, from trying (mostly unsuccessfully) to fit in as a kid to getting frustrated at the dinner table when I couldn't get a word in edgewise to now being a professional emotional intelligence coach and team effectiveness consultant. This is what I do. It's what I learn about. It's what I study. It's what I think about and analyze and talk about and process and learn and teach. It's how I grow and develop as a human being.

In my free time, I read about psychology, emotional intelligence, coaching, neuroscience, etc. I am a perpetual student of human motivation, behavior, communication and interpersonal dynamics.

I find wisdom in each situation by feeling into it, by reflecting on what I feel, by speaking my feelings. By writing.

I treat every interaction with another human being as an opportunity to learn and grow. To have another chance to get it right. To try to communicate more effectively. To attempt to understand where other people are coming from. To find true, meaningful connection. To be a better parent. To fail completely and try again. To land in the emotional soup and find my way out. Over and over and over again.

I love learning and I love sharing what I learn. I know you have wisdom to share as well. I look forward to learning and evolving together.